I think I got most of it, if anyone has anything to add please reply. I'm writing this poem in the point of view of someone in the middle of a war zone. Here's what I have This is my Time of Death Many of who were close friends of mine. Were now bloody corpses scattered across the ground, The clamor of gunfire hummedin my ears For what can war bring but endless suffering? This is the place of death. I joined the army as an attempt to run away from life. However, life simply flashed before my eyes. There's no going back now. Stuck here in an infinite loop in the past. This is the place of death. I remember the day like it was just yesterday, Sitting on my front porch without a fear in the world, The days where I could walk down the street without a doubt it would be my last, Ah yes, those were the days. I would give anything to go back, To see my son one last time, To give him a hug and never let him go. Ah yes, those were the days. Instead, I'm stuck here. Reminiscing series of memories. Waiting for them to flash upon my dying eyes. Lifeless, hopeless, and alone, I feel alienated from the world, I'm simply a gun on the battlefield "No regrets, never." I said. But I have one. I never got the chance to say goodbye. This is my time of death. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can write about in the next paragraphs. @EA_Sharks @PukingRainbowz @TheScallywagFTW any ideas?
I can't continue an unfinished poem because I cannot feel the emotion and direction you are. If I were to try, it would not correlate with the stanza you wrote.
I found some inspiration in your comment, and I was able to finish the poem. I just put my emotions on paper amd this is what I got. I think you'll like it This is the place of death Bodies lay scattered on the ground. The noises of gunfire hurt my ears. For what can war bring but endless suffering? This is the place death. I remember the day like it was just yesterday. Sitting on my front porch without a fear in the world. The days where I could walk down the street without any fear it would be the last. Ah yes those where the days. I joined the war as an attempt to run away from life. However life simply flashed before my eyes. There's no going back now. Stuck Herr in an infinite loop in the past. I would give anything to go back. To see my son one last time. To give him a hug and never let him go. Oh yes that would be nice. Instead I'm stuck here. Making friends one day. Than watching them die the next. There has to be a better life than this. My only regret is not saying goodbye. This is the time of my death. That's just a ruff copy, so feel free to correct my grammar.
I really liked reading that!I love writing & reading a lot!This inspired me to write a short passage about war!
I'm glad you enjoyed that here's the full one Bodies lay scattered on the ground. The noises of gunfire hurt my ears. For what can war bring but endless suffering? This is the place of death. I remember the day like it was just yesterday. Sitting on my front porch, without a fear in the world. The days where I could walk down the street without any fear it would be my last. Ah yes, those were the days. I joined the army as an attempt to run away from life. However, life simply flashed before my eyes. There's no going back now. Stuck here in an infinite loop in the past. I would give anything to go back, To see my son one last time, To give him a hug and never let him go. Oh yes, that would be nice. Instead I'm stuck here. Making friends one day, Than watching them die the next. There has to be a better life than this. My only regret is not saying goodbye. This is the time of my death.
-I think you should be a bit more descriptive in your word choice to create an emotional connection with the reader (ex: The uproar of discharged bullets left me longing for a sound other than deafening silence) -It would be more engaging if you had a repetition or a specific line (ex: But now death laid before me) -The title This is My Time of Death sounds better, but it's your choice. Tried my best, your poem is great so far though.
I agree there should be more repetition ill look more closely and see where I can do this I changed the title I also looked at my choice of words more carefully I think you'll like the changes I made This is my Time of Death Many of who were close friends of mine. Were now bloody corpses scattered across the ground, The clamor of gunfire humming my ears For what can war bring but endless suffering? This is the place of death. I joined the army as an attempt to run away from life. However, life simply flashed before my eyes. There's no going back now. Stuck here in an infinite loop in the past. This is the place of death. I remember the day like it was just yesterday, Sitting on my front porch without a fear in the world, The days where I could walk down the street without a doubt it would be my last, Ah yes, those were the days. I would give anything to go back, To see my son one last time, To give him a hug and never let him go. Ah yes, those were the days. Instead, I'm stuck here. Reminiscing series of memories. Waiting for them to flash upon my dying eyes. Lifeless, hopeless, and alone, I feel alienated from the world, I'm simply a gun on the battlefield "No regrets, never," I said. But I have one. I never got the chance to say goodbye. This is my time of death.
Decided to change stuff. Really tired right now. It's probably worse. But I suggest rereading your poem and correcting errors.
We're like his peer editors. He already has his draft of the poem and is just asking for extra assistance to patch up errors and things that need improvement here and there.
Yeah what XSkaro said, You're peer editing it. If you ever need me to be a peer editor for any of your work let me know, ill do my best!
Hmmm 16 year old editing a 13 year olds work...We will see about that XD thanks Robbin, if I ever need help I'll ask you. (Anyway we both have the same school district so it is fair right?)
